cringe

This may very well be the hardest post I have ever & will ever make.

So I went home last night & asked my partner to take some photos, no get your mind out of the gutter not those kind, but the progress (or day 1) photos that I promised you all yesterday.

And well I don’t even really know where to begin, there are no words to describe exactly how i’m feeling, i’m so beyond horrified & disgusted that i’m practically speechless.

Seriously today I have been unable to stop replaying the moment when I saw the downloaded photos on the screen for the first time, in all their fat, unattractive, repulsive, glory.

And i’m not sure how to accurately describe to you all what it feels like. It’s like I knew I was fat, but I didn’t know I was THAT FAT. I actually think I may very well still be in some kind of horrific state of shock & disbelief.

It comes down to, either the mirror has been lying to me, or i’ve been in such rampant denial over exactly how fat I really am that it simply just hasn’t been registering anymore.

And I wish that I could say that these photos are a joke, & that I had some tool on my laptop that adds 100 pounds, you know kinda like that fat booth app, but the only joke is me & how revolted I am that i’ve let myself get to this stage:

<< So this is what a 32 year old, 6’2″ tall, 131kgs / 288lbs, woman looks like

And I know you probably will be all like “ewwww did she really have to put photos like that on there?”, well yes I did, & i’m glad I did, because putting myself out there for everyone to see has made me more determined & motivated than I have ever been before.

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21 thoughts on “cringe

  1. Good for you on summoning the bravery to do this! Things can only improve from here, it’s great that you’ve already been able to get past being upset by the photos and on to feeling motivated to make a change 😀

  2. You are courageous! I just can’t post photo’s of myself. I don’t think you look as bad as you think you do. You have nice arms and legs!

  3. Bravo to you and for being brave enough to do this. I wish I had your courage and I really mean that. You are beautiful and strong. Wow your 6’2″ that is awesome. Your an amazonian warrior in battle gear. You inpire me thank you!

    • Thanks sweetheart, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciate everything you said & the support you have given me.

      Btw I am totally going to start using your ‘amazonian warrior in battle gear’ quote. Love it!!

  4. Pingback: https://kaftanbikini.wordpress.com/2012/03/01/cringe/ « hollynothollie

  5. Pingback: March Method to My Madness « hollynothollie

  6. I felt exactly the same way, when I put my first photo up on my blog – except I didn’t have the courage to show my face (and still don’t).

    I couldn’t believe how fat I was. I still think I was in some sort of zombied out pretend place regarding my body. I could cover up with loose tops, and because I didn’t have to face it, it wasn’t a problem. But seeing photos in tight-fitting fitness clothes, I just couldn’t hide anything any more.

    But I posted my “two months on” photos yesterday, and I can see a difference! And that tells me that I am heading in the right direction, and that I *can* do this, and that I will *not* give in. And if I can do it, so can you. Because you at least had the balls (metaphorically speaking) to show your face!

    So face the fact that you can do this. Think about the changes you need to make. Find inspiring blogs that can help you to make the changes you need. Eliminate the mistakes you’re making in your life that allowed you to get where you are. For example, if you drive past a junk food outlet that’s a distraction, drive another way home, or turn the radio on loud to make you think of something else.

    Above all, recognise that you’re in for the long haul. The journey doesn’t end when you reach a healthy weight. That’s when the really hard work of maintenance begins. But you can do it.

    You’re only 32. I’m starting at 41. You’ve got 9 years up on me – if you take 3 years to lose the weight you’re still 6 years up on me. The time to do it is NOW. So focus, and do it, and make it an absolute priority. No excuses, no distractions, and no alternatives. Blog every day, track every day, weigh in every day. Your health and wellbeing come first.

    Go for it!

    • It’s so good to read about someone else going through exactly the same thing as I am, it sure is reassuring to know that i’m not the only one out there.

      I just checked out your photos, what a difference!! You should be so proud. Here’s hoping I will see changes too when I take my next set of progress photos.

      Thanks also for your other suggestions, helpful tips & other things that I need to keep reminding myself.

      • If you make the changes, you’ll see the differences! Sometimes, when I get on the scales, and one week I haven’t had much of a loss, I’ve had to remind myself that “results follow actions” but it is SO true – results *do* follow actions.

        Make the changes you need to make. Clean your house out of junk food, and make your family members into allies in your battle. They might hate it at first, but they’ll come around if you persist. I had a 7 year old and a 5 year old – both junkavores – to deal with, but now they don’t even think about the jelly snakes not being here, and ask for rice cakes and bananas and apples instead when they’re hungry! I can’t believe how easily they’ve adapted, although the first week or two was hell on earth!

        You *can* do it. Your blog can be your best friend – take notes of what you want to achieve, and eat, and use it as a reminder system. But results follow actions – you have to do the actions, and make the changes, to get the results.

        Good luck! I hope to see some terrific photos a month or two from now! 🙂

  7. I wish I was as brave as you to put my pictures up! I weigh near enough the same as you and am starting a major health kick tomorrow to shed the pounds! Will be interesting to see how we both do.

    Good Luck.

    • Yay someone else that weighs similar to me, I was starting to feel like the only one in the world that weighs this much. Good luck with your health kick, i’m sure you will do awesomely!!!

  8. I’m so proud of you! Posting these photos shows real commitment!
    If you need some more factual type motivation/explanation, I wrote a post about toxic tummy fat. http://wp.me/p1ZIg7-eH
    Since that is where you carry most of your weight, maybe you’d like to check it out. 🙂
    You can doooo this fellow tall lady!

    • Wow I just read your post, fantastically informative, I had absolutely no idea about estrone!! Toxic tummy fat is right, it’s awful the effect estrone has.

  9. Progress pictures are just that – progress. It’s not like you’re going to stay there, am I right. But those “start” pictures can be rather “cry in the toilet” worthy. My first back photo looks like a layer cake. I had no idea. I couldn’t feel my skin touching itself?! The most important thing is every lean meal, every painful workout is you finding yourself under your layers. Recognizing yourself in pictures. The progress pictures will be your “HA!” reward when you get to your goal. Just keep moving.

    • Thanks for the positive comments. And your right I have absolutely no intention of staying the same as these pictures, its all about progressing forward & finding myself under all the layers as you say. 🙂

  10. WOw! I don’t think I’m brave enough to put up pictures, good for you! I know how incredibly hard that was to do. Thanks for posting inspirational quotes and pictures. Getting your new posts reminds me to kick it into gear. If I don’t feel like working out, I see your posts and I am reminded that I need to do the work if I want to see the results! Thank you!

    • I love the fact that you stop by to check out my new posts for some inspiration, that’s so fantastic!!

      I’m so unbelievably happy to hear i’m helping someone else out, it’s such a positive feeling & it is actually making me feel more motivated as well, thanks 🙂

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