So all is not well at Kamp Kaftan (I know I know how very Kardashian of me) & by not well I mean I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me & I have absolutely no control over it.
I’m not sure where to begin or how to even start processing what is happening at the moment, i’m pretty much in a state of absolute devastation, actually not even pretty much, I AM in a state of absolute devasation, I just want to curl up in the fetal position & bawl my eyes out. Except i’m at work & i’m pretty sure that sort of thing is frowned upon.
And I have debated all morning whether or not to post about this. This blog is supposed to be all about health, weight loss, fitness & motivation, it’s not supposed to be for airing my relationship problems, or lack of relationship problems, lack of meaning i’m no longer in a relationship.
That’s right as of last night I am officially single again, single & NEVER AGAIN ready to mingle, because I honestly thought (even during the rough patches) I would be spending the rest of my life with this guy. Turns out somewhere along the road, albit a very bumpy road at times, we seem to have reached our final destination, that being the town of Separation, Population: just me.
And I don’t know where it went wrong, well I do know, but I don’t know where it all went so, abruptly end a 2.5 year relationship, wrong. I guess it comes down to that one thing, & that one thing had this crazy knock on effect that culminated in me being unhappyish, feeling neglected, shutting off & unfortunately letting that one thing overshadow everything good about our relationship.
We have nearly broken up a few times before, doesn’t everyone right? We all have our testing times where it all just gets too much & things are said in the heat of the moment, things that you totally regret later & then if your lucky, like I obviously am, everything you said during those heated moments of nearly break-up-ness are thrown back at you & used as the exact reasons why that person doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore.
If i’m completely honest I actually think that if I had just shut up about this one thing & just been happy with the fact that I had found the guy I want to be with forever that none of this would be happening right now. But I didn’t, I kept nagging & going on about it, & look where it has got me: single, alone, beyond upset & without the guy I can’t even put into words how much I love & wanted to be with, through the good times, bad times & everything in between.
And i’m not entirely sure how to deal with it all, it’s like I knew things weren’t as good as they could be, but I didn’t for one second think it would be all over in an hour. Seriously if it was up to me, it wouldn’t be the end, we would lay all the cards on the table, see if we could possibly make things work, actually no we would just bloody well make things work, I mean at the end of the day isn’t love meant to conquer all?
I just can’t even begin to comprehend how I am supposed to brush myself off & bounce back from this, at the moment I am so emotionally raw I barely have the capacity to sit here without wanting to burst into tears, throw up or pass out.
I don’t want things to end, I don’t want to be “just friends”, & knowing that that’s all he wants now hurts more than, actually I don’t know what it hurts more than because i’ve never experienced anything that hurts more than this, I literally can’t even begin to quantify how much i’m hurting right now.
And I have been through this whole break-up crap before, but none of them have ever felt as bad as this, this is without a doubt the most traumatically harrowing thing I have ever experienced. I effectively pushed away the one thing I wanted to hold onto with all my life. And all that’s left is me, alone, shattered, distraught, not wanting it all to end & absolutely consumed with longing & regret.