broken

So first up I must apologise profusely for the lack of posting on my behalf lately, it’s just that well you know life kinda got in the way, & by life I mean my whole world absolutely collapsed into a massive heap of broken-ness around me.

And unfortunately when that happens posting isn’t exactly high up on my list of priorities, seriously it has been that bad, like incredibly so, my main priority has been trying to get through at least one day/night without crying, so far that hasn’t happened.

Needless to say along with the lack of posting, there has been a lack of exercise & a lack of healthy eating, in fact there has been a lack of anything other than how hurt & disappointed I am, how heartbroken I am, how unfair the whole situation is, & how every part of my day is consumed with thoughts of him & how overwhelmingly strongly I don’t want this to be happening nor do I want us to be over, ever.

And some of you have sent me emails asking how i’m going, which is so sweet, incredibly so actually, & some of you have also asked what lead to us breaking up & well to be brutally honest, it’s a culmination of a couple of things that have just seemed to have gotten progressively worse over the past few months or so.

The past few months have been incredibly tough, nothing as tough as what I am going through right now, but tough all the same.

We moved to a new city, I didn’t know anyone, I felt completely alone, I started a new job, the most stressful job I have ever had, & I started not being able to cope, so much so that if I am to continue with my honesty, I will go so far as to say that I have been suffering from depression.

Sure i’ve had the facade up of being upbeat & positive, but underneath I seem to have lost all of my usual coping mechanisms for dealing with changes in my life, & well that caused me to shut down, get depressed, & push away the one thing that I wanted to hold onto for the rest of my life.

And the thing that makes it even worse is that I never told him what I was going though, I just pushed him away. And I guess that’s because i’m such a proud person & I have a habit of keeping things to myself that i’m embarrassed by or that I don’t want to burden someone else with.

Believe me if I knew then that he would leave me because I pushed him too far away, then I would have told him everything, I would have stopped worrying about burdening him with my own problems & just outright told him that I wasn’t coping & that I was suffering from depression.

But when someone tells you constantly that you are the love of their life, & that you want to be with them always & that nothing will ever get in the way of us being together forever, it’s kinda hard to believe that one day they will come home, with no warning, not ever even mentioning it or discussing the fact there might be some issues & end it so abruptly.

You just don’t walk away from people. You don’t throw people that you love away. It’s not supposed to be like that, if you love someone enough you would do anything & everything to make things work, you don’t just give up when things get a little tough, & i’m so mad & hurt & fucked off & disappointed that he did that to me.

But in saying that, the truth is, if I could be with anyone, it would still be him, everytime.

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6 thoughts on “broken

  1. So sorry to hear how things are for you right now. The best thing you can do is try to focus your energy on getting well. See a doc if you think you are depressed. It doesn’t mean being on medication for the rest of your life you may only need some help for a few weeks. Try to exercise – i know easier said than done but it will help you mentally recover too.
    I hope things get better for you soon….and they will even if you can’t see/believe it right now.
    Take care!

  2. This happened to me many years ago and I thought I would never get over it, but I did eventually and then I met the man I was born to be with. We have been together for 28 years now and still love each other in spite of many bad patches. Try to be possative and I promise it will pass. lolxx

  3. Hey Gorgeous 🙂 you take extra special care of you. Depression is very real and it can have a profound impact on your life. If you ever need anyone to talk to you, just contact me and fire away. I discovered that this helps immensely in the scheme of things, even when your pride gets in the way. I went through 4-5 months of this after my first marriage ended. And, yep, I discovered that I had never really talked to my then hubby. Mind, he seriously did not warrant the attempt on my part, but, hey that is all water under the bridge now. I learned to talk and open up before I met my 2nd hubby. And, he is my soul mate.
    Melissa, sometimes it takes bad things for us to open up our eyes and realise our fullest potential. If this man of yours had of really cared then he would have made sure he talked to you about things, even if they weren’t so rosey. Mourn his passing in your own time and vent your anger, then move on. Dwelling on anything for too long will eat into your soul and crush any life you have left in you. You don’t deserve that. You deserve far greater things.
    Here is a big HUG *(^^)*
    Thinking of you xo

  4. Keep your head up! You are a strong woman, and you can get by without him. Things may seem impossible right now, but each and every day will bring you that little bit of extra strength to get through this.
    Also, don’t be afraid to seek help for the depression. It is a scary thing, and it is not something that people should be going through alone. You won’t believe how much better it will make you feel to talk to someone.
    Take care!

  5. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. About 6 years ago I moved to a brand new town to be with someone. The sad thing was we had already broken up, I was trying to win him back. I couldn’t let go. After going to the hospital for heart palpitations caused by anxiety I finally had a wake up call and decided he wasn’t worth me being sick for. We had dated for 3 years and I thought I was going to marry him. But he also ruined my life.
    I got my life back together, took care of myself, went back to church, started making friends. I realized it was much better for me to be happy and single than have a messed up life with someone.
    In the end it all worked out. I met an amazing man who loves me in spite of all my flaws and we have been married five years.
    This period will pass, it will be painful, but it will pass.

  6. I’m sorry to hear your pain and hurt. Having gone through a very similar experience as you’ve described, I know the ‘proud’ feeling you endured. The struggle to mend your heart seems hopeless, but reaching out and reading the stories of people like you makes it a little easier. Thank you for sharing, and keep writing.

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