So first up I must apologise profusely for the lack of posting on my behalf lately, it’s just that well you know life kinda got in the way, & by life I mean my whole world absolutely collapsed into a massive heap of broken-ness around me.
And unfortunately when that happens posting isn’t exactly high up on my list of priorities, seriously it has been that bad, like incredibly so, my main priority has been trying to get through at least one day/night without crying, so far that hasn’t happened.
Needless to say along with the lack of posting, there has been a lack of exercise & a lack of healthy eating, in fact there has been a lack of anything other than how hurt & disappointed I am, how heartbroken I am, how unfair the whole situation is, & how every part of my day is consumed with thoughts of him & how overwhelmingly strongly I don’t want this to be happening nor do I want us to be over, ever.
And some of you have sent me emails asking how i’m going, which is so sweet, incredibly so actually, & some of you have also asked what lead to us breaking up & well to be brutally honest, it’s a culmination of a couple of things that have just seemed to have gotten progressively worse over the past few months or so.
The past few months have been incredibly tough, nothing as tough as what I am going through right now, but tough all the same.
We moved to a new city, I didn’t know anyone, I felt completely alone, I started a new job, the most stressful job I have ever had, & I started not being able to cope, so much so that if I am to continue with my honesty, I will go so far as to say that I have been suffering from depression.
Sure i’ve had the facade up of being upbeat & positive, but underneath I seem to have lost all of my usual coping mechanisms for dealing with changes in my life, & well that caused me to shut down, get depressed, & push away the one thing that I wanted to hold onto for the rest of my life.
And the thing that makes it even worse is that I never told him what I was going though, I just pushed him away. And I guess that’s because i’m such a proud person & I have a habit of keeping things to myself that i’m embarrassed by or that I don’t want to burden someone else with.
Believe me if I knew then that he would leave me because I pushed him too far away, then I would have told him everything, I would have stopped worrying about burdening him with my own problems & just outright told him that I wasn’t coping & that I was suffering from depression.
But when someone tells you constantly that you are the love of their life, & that you want to be with them always & that nothing will ever get in the way of us being together forever, it’s kinda hard to believe that one day they will come home, with no warning, not ever even mentioning it or discussing the fact there might be some issues & end it so abruptly.
You just don’t walk away from people. You don’t throw people that you love away. It’s not supposed to be like that, if you love someone enough you would do anything & everything to make things work, you don’t just give up when things get a little tough, & i’m so mad & hurt & fucked off & disappointed that he did that to me.
But in saying that, the truth is, if I could be with anyone, it would still be him, everytime.