missing in action

You will have to forgive me for the lack of posts lately.

Somewhere in the last couple of weeks I seem to have lost my way & ended up in some dark back alley where thinking about everything that has gone wrong in my life in the last 6 months are the only allowable thoughts & any scrap of happiness that may have squeezed it’s way in is subsequently spat back out again.

I thought I had reached rock bottom awhile back, turns out what I thought was rock bottom was actually clay & there was a whole sub-level of solid rock hidden beneath, who knew.

But alas it seems I have finally reached the impenetratable rock. Unfortunately I reached it last Wednesday night at dinner with friends, where out of nowhere I literally could not hold back the tears any longer. I mean really how classy am I, out for a lovely dinner, surrounded by random strangers & there I was wiping tears away with a paper napkin.

And i’m not sure where i’m going from here, I guess that’s the thing with hitting rock bottom, you kinda only have two options, sit there for awhile & wallow in your own self misery or start climbing back up, it’s deciding which option to choose that seems the impossibly hard part.

It’s crazy how in 6 short months I have gone from the happiest, albit kinda stressed, girl in the world to a shadow of my former self. When your own mother feels helpless & is worried sick because you have “lost your sparkle” you truly know that all is not well.

 

 

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10 thoughts on “missing in action

  1. I appreciate your honesty… I can relate very well to this, my reasons for hitting bottom are a completely different story than yours… but the pain is the same… and you are right it is not about how we got there, it is about what we are gonna do now and how difficult the decision to wallow or get up really is – its immobilizing, it shouldn’t be, but it is… I love your “what is heartbreak?” picture at the end – I have laid on my bathroom floor trying to breathe, wishing that even if its just for a brief moment I could stop the world so I could just catch my breath and wipe my tears and pretend that I was gonna be ok… the amazing part is in the end I was ok… I am ok… and I will continue to be ok…

    • I hope I will be ok, one of these days i’m sure I will, but that day just seems so far away. As cliche as it sounds, at the moment i’m just trying to take each day as it comes.

      • There is nothing cliche about taking it one day at a time… I at one point was literally taking it one moment at a time… that way at the end of the day I had good moments I could hold onto even if the day itself was pretty shitty… and it does get better – you will win, that’s why you are here, because you are strong and you are not a quitter, and you have found a support group of sorts 🙂

  2. Crying at the oddest places…that has happened to me loads – even classier than crying at a restaurant is crying in the middle of a busy city street. This too will pass my dear. *non-creepy stranger hug*

  3. Oh my God, Sweetie, I have so been there. I’ve had that hole in my chest and that sudden overwhelming need to cry. It WILL get better and I hope that in the four days since you posted that things HAVE gotten better. I wish I had something wonderful to tell you about how to get through, up and out of it. It just takes time and work. You are so lovely and I’m sending great big warm hugs – as many as you need and as long as you want them to last.

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